****i'm lazy to change my url so, i don't care the opinions of others, the outcome after ppl read tis, or whatsoever. tis is my blog. whr I, ME, MYSELF, get to pour MY feelings into. just fuck off if u're nt happy reading tis. 

nvr in my life hav i ever gotten a individual first gold medal.
i finally did.
in the NUSIS.
i'm just a lil happy.
bcuz to me, i'm just gonna continue working hard to get other individual medals.
i don't wan tis to b my last first individual gold.

today was the prize presentation.
half of me rly wanted to collect the medal, bcuz it's my very first individual first gold.
it holds a lot of sentimental value to me.
after years of working so hard, i finally gotten first individual first gold.

the other half of me didnt want to collect it.
bcuz i was the only one thr.
thr were no other AISS peep thr. AT ALL.
idk wat others might think, like, 'wah, AISS so hao lian. win medal dun wan collect.'
i dont giv a fuck.

but...when my team/seniors/juniors r thr,
tts what makes it fun, having a prize presentation..
going out thr, collecting tgt, perhaps camwhoring afterwards..
laughs, giggles..i've been hoping for tt..
but alas..they werent coming down..

idk to feel mad or hurt...mayb both..
but i know i left the shooting grounds with a heavy heart..watery eyes..throat painful frm the choking of tears..
all my mixed emotions overwhelmed me..
n to think i even walked thru the rain, under the blazing sun to get thr, hoping they're coming down..
such a fool..

i noe... it's stupid to cry over such trivial things.. but.. is it wrg for me to feel sad?.. mayb to yall, it is.. i dont care anymore.

i dun wan to hear any sorries or see any sorries. because, it's over.

i can't wait to get out of AISS. even though it's a sch, renowned for it's shooting achievements,
it doesn't mean anything. achievements don't last forever. the bond shared among the ppl does.

i feel tainted. disgusted with my own sch. once i'm out of thr. i'm NEVER. EVER. setting foot into tt god forsaken place again.

i wish we were more like NJ.. they come n go tgt, a REAL team.
the bond they share r unbelievably strong.
i wan to try building a bond among ourselves, nt like theirs, mayb just half, but.
i guess it isn't possible.

trying to be nice sometimes rly don't get u anywhere.
neither does being a bitch.
but trying to be nice takes more effort.
i rather be a bitch.

no longer do i hav to waste my time, energy on others.
i can b selfish too. to get what i wan. i'll say the meanest of things if i hav to.
sacrifice anything, or anyone. if i hav to. make use of anyone or anything.

time n time again,
the feeling of being hurt has lived with me.
that's the last straw.

watch out world.
the nice shan is gone. forever.